Reflection

One of my good friends is going to a treatment center for her eating disorder.
She is actually going to the same one that I went to.
This brings back so many different thoughts and emotions.
I remember calling my parents and telling them that I was throwing up everything I ate and couldn't stop.
I remember going to see a doctor, and having her tell my parents that I needed to see a specialist.
I remember going to the specialist and having him run all these different tests. I remember him telling my parents that I was going to die if I continued my behavior.
The feelings I felt during all of this were all so subdued. I was so numb to everything. When I left I was convinced that I'd be back in thirty days.
The first meal I ate at my treatment center went down fine. But that night I lay awake, unable to sleep because the desire to purge was so strong. I remember asking myself how I could throw up without my roommate hearing, or where I could hide it.
I was so sick and I was completely unaware of it. Even after meeting with doctors and therapists, I still thought I was fine. My disorder had convinced me that not eating anything, or throwing up everything, was normal behavior.
The first month of treatment was pure hell. Talking about trauma while being forced to eat/not throw up was the worst kind of pain.
And then things got easier, and I was able to step down to a less severe treatment called partial (short for partial hospitalization). And then I relapsed.

The relapse started almost as soon as I stepped down to partial. The disordered thoughts immediately came back but I was too afraid (or too in my disorder) to say anything. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to have to go back to residential treatment with 24 hour nurse care.

When I went to partial my disorder started screaming...
"Go home! You're better. You should go home!
You're missing out on your life right now. You need to go back and finish college. You're wasting time."
And as he screamed those things, I pretended everything was fine.

I got a text message one day that a pal I'd made at a camp died in a car accident. I absolutely lost it. And they sent me back to residential treatment.

For days I asked when I would get to go back to partial. For days I refused to talk to staff members about anything else. I cried and begged to be allowed to go back to partial.

And then I was told that I needed to do some more work.
It was only then that I actually started to get better.
Slowly and painfully, I started recovering.

There came a point where I was willing to do anything to recover.
And that is the point that I think is necessary for recovery.
You have to be willing to give up people, things, and activities. You have to be willing to put your recovery first.

So as this good friend prepares to start her journey, I reflect back on mine... and just pray that she continues to be as strong and positive as she was today.

"How sick were you?"

When I tell people that I had an eating disorder and went to treatment, I am usually met with some variation of, "How sick were you?"
They usually follow that up with, "Like, how skinny did you get?"

I don't answer that. I will not answer my lowest weight. I think it feeds in to my eating disorder.

However, I will answer how sick I was....

I threw up everything I ate. I drank water just to throw it up. I was addicted to the feeling of control I got when I stood in front of the toilet. The rush of endorphins was powerful and I was a slave to it.

I counted every calorie that went into my body. I weighed myself multiple times a day. The number on the scale determined myself worth.

I avoided friends and going out when I felt too fat. I stayed in my dorm room, trapped by self loathing.

I kept journals to record my intake, my obsessive thoughts, and calendars.
I loved calendars. Every day I wrote down my weight in one color. Goal weights were written in red. If I didn't meet the goal weight I had written for that day, there was hell to pay.

I couldn't walk into a room without measuring everyone. Who was skinnier than me? Who was the skinniest person in the room? The prettiest?

Just writing about this makes me cringe. My mind was so broken. I was obsessed. But it was much easier for me to obsess about calories and my weight, than it was to think of what was really hurting me. I wasn't ready to face the loss of my childhood due to being molested, or the multiple deaths that haunted me. I didn't want to think about how sad I was.... so I thought about how "fat" I was.

There was just a loop that went around in my brain, like a song stuck in my head, it shouted at me about food and appearance. But it was shouting above a voice that reminded me how hurt I was. I listened to the shouting.
When I got to treatment it took a long time to get the shouting down to a normal speaking voice. Then I had to concentrate on the little voice and heal all of those old wounds. It was exhausting. But now that shouting voice is merely a squeak that pops up once and a while.

So yes, I was very sick.
And now.... I am in recovery.

I am recovering

When I was in treatment at Puente De Vida I remember sitting in the milieu making myself a sign to put in the bathroom. After being at PDV for months and months, I felt like I would never get there. There being in recovery with my family, living a "normal" life. I felt that I would always be a PDV, working, struggling, and trying.
Anyway, so I started making my sign. It was to say-
I will recover.
Then one of the nurses came over. This was more than just a nurse, she was such an encourager and she even sat in therapies with us sometimes. She took a long look at my poster and said, "Why don't you write, 'I am recovering.'"

Now, that might feel like a small difference, but to me it was huge.
Recovery wasn't just some dream in the far off future.
It was something I was getting myself RIGHT NOW.

I wasn't just going to recover someday. I was already in the process of doing it!

That was a pivotal moment for me.

For all of you who are continuing to work on your recoveries... remember, it IS happening for you. Every day moment that you say no to your eating disorder, you are recovering.

Privacy

For those of you who are new the the blog- I did not really write 20 posts in one day. Those are all from a blog I had previously written. However, I recently got a teaching job and I decided I wanted this blog to be private.

I love sharing about recovery and what it means to me, but I also want to decide who to share the private details with, and what exactly I want to share.

So, same old me (for those of you who were previous followers) BUT new blog.

Recovery Boots

DSW (Designer Shoe Wearhouse) has a whole section of what they call "wide calf boots." Here's the link.
I actually found some that I really liked and for a good price so I ordered these:

I think it is a really important reminder to change the clothes you want to fit your body.....DON'T change your body to fit the clothes you want!

Bad body image is a serious probably that many people struggle with, not just people with eating disorders. I have found that when I'm having a bad body image day, sometimes the very best thing to do is thought-stop, then go out and do something fun.
Other times I try to fight it and I'll do my hair extra cute, or spend time painting my nails.
I have NEVER found that it is helpful to stare at my body when I'm having one of those days.

I have muscular legs legs. I accept this about myself. It certainly isn't my favorite thing, but I'm not going to let it prevent me from wearing awesome boots.
I'm also not going to let it prevent me from living a healthy, happy life.

Exercise

Exercise is healthy thing for our bodies. It can improve your mood, help you sleep, and boost energy.
However, when you have an eating disorder, exercise can be a dangerous addiction.
But what about when you're in recovery? Or recovering?

I've been home for three years and I'm embarrassed to admit that I've basically avoided working out.
In treatment we did a lot of work on our relationships with food. We had food challenges (like cookies or McDonald's). We had therapy and nutrition groups based around food.
However, we rarely talked about exercise.
It wasn't really a part of treatment. When your body is fighting to maintain breathing and regulating heartbeat and tempature, exercise isn't really an option.
Once we went to partial (rather than residential), we had an exercise group once a week. We did things like walk on the beach and stretches.
We didn't spend a lot of time talking about how to exercise in a healthy way. Obviously, the goal of exercise can never be to lose weight. But that is really all I know.

I have so many guidelines for my diet. I know what looks disordered, what looks healthy. I know that eating one meal a day isn't healthy. I know that eating twelve cookies isn't healthy. Those are both things I did in my disorder.

But what about exercise???

I would like to be a person who regularly exercises. It sounds so simple, but just like food- it can lead to a lot of complications and confusion.

I feel ready to open the door, but I want to prepare myself first.

In order to help myself later, here is a list of disordered habits to look out for:

1. Being a perfectionist (having to do it every day, or a for an exact amount of time)
2. Weighing myself
3. Never wanting to exercise with someone else
4. Keeping track of calories burned
5. Body checking


In conclusion, when I googled "exercise for people recovered from eating disorders" I found this:
"The goal of exercise is to improve physical fitness and stay healthy, and not to burn massive amounts of calories. It is important to see exercise as positive, fun and enjoyable. Group exercise programs, such as yoga and team sports, are recommended over solitary exercise programs, such as running or swimming. Exercise may also be used as a tool to reintroduce healthy eating habits in order to support strong bones and muscles."

The goal of exercise is to improve physical fitness and stay healthy, and not to burn massive amounts of calories. It is important to see exercise as positive, fun and enjoyable. Group exercise programs, such as yoga and team sports, are recommended over solitary exercise programs, such as running or swimming. Exercise may also be used as a tool to reintroduce healthy eating habits in order to support strong bones and muscles.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/487280-what-should-i-do-for-exercise-while-recovering-from-anorexia/#ixzz1hzx6dt5I

Tough times

When everything is going well and you have that general sense of well being... it can be a lot easier to be "in recovery."
But when the damn bursts and everything goes to hell and you're left feeling helpless, sad, angry, lonely, or scared.... those are the times when your disorder will shout out


"COME TO ME. I WILL SAVE YOU!"

My disorder offers to make all my problems go away. It offers to give me a peace and comfort that nothing else can bring. It can distract me from any pain or anxiety I feel. As long as I am in control of my eating and my body.... I am powerful.

The times that I am feeling all of those negative feelings, those are the times that I hear my disorder the loudest. And those are the times that it is so important to cling on to recovery, rather than let my eating disorder grab me again.

In treatment we talked about our recovery piggy bank. Every day that we didn't use our eating disorder was a new deposit in the bank.

I always liked the idea of placing a new shiny recovery coin in my piggy bank, and feeling as the bank got heavier and heavier. You can never take money out of the bank, it just grows and grows. And in the tough times, the times when a boyfriend breaks up with you, or your parents are going through a divorce, or you have a miscarriage... those days deserve more coins in the piggy bank.

Being in recovery is tough, but being in recovery when things are going poorly... that's a battle. But for everytime that you get through something without using your eating disorder, you are training your brain, and you're proving to yourself that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. 

It is important to recognize when these tough times are, and prepare yourself. Remind yourself that recovery is number one and that whatever difficult thing you're going through will only be made worse by using your eating disorder.

Above else, in the tough times remember