Reflection

One of my good friends is going to a treatment center for her eating disorder.
She is actually going to the same one that I went to.
This brings back so many different thoughts and emotions.
I remember calling my parents and telling them that I was throwing up everything I ate and couldn't stop.
I remember going to see a doctor, and having her tell my parents that I needed to see a specialist.
I remember going to the specialist and having him run all these different tests. I remember him telling my parents that I was going to die if I continued my behavior.
The feelings I felt during all of this were all so subdued. I was so numb to everything. When I left I was convinced that I'd be back in thirty days.
The first meal I ate at my treatment center went down fine. But that night I lay awake, unable to sleep because the desire to purge was so strong. I remember asking myself how I could throw up without my roommate hearing, or where I could hide it.
I was so sick and I was completely unaware of it. Even after meeting with doctors and therapists, I still thought I was fine. My disorder had convinced me that not eating anything, or throwing up everything, was normal behavior.
The first month of treatment was pure hell. Talking about trauma while being forced to eat/not throw up was the worst kind of pain.
And then things got easier, and I was able to step down to a less severe treatment called partial (short for partial hospitalization). And then I relapsed.

The relapse started almost as soon as I stepped down to partial. The disordered thoughts immediately came back but I was too afraid (or too in my disorder) to say anything. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to have to go back to residential treatment with 24 hour nurse care.

When I went to partial my disorder started screaming...
"Go home! You're better. You should go home!
You're missing out on your life right now. You need to go back and finish college. You're wasting time."
And as he screamed those things, I pretended everything was fine.

I got a text message one day that a pal I'd made at a camp died in a car accident. I absolutely lost it. And they sent me back to residential treatment.

For days I asked when I would get to go back to partial. For days I refused to talk to staff members about anything else. I cried and begged to be allowed to go back to partial.

And then I was told that I needed to do some more work.
It was only then that I actually started to get better.
Slowly and painfully, I started recovering.

There came a point where I was willing to do anything to recover.
And that is the point that I think is necessary for recovery.
You have to be willing to give up people, things, and activities. You have to be willing to put your recovery first.

So as this good friend prepares to start her journey, I reflect back on mine... and just pray that she continues to be as strong and positive as she was today.

"How sick were you?"

When I tell people that I had an eating disorder and went to treatment, I am usually met with some variation of, "How sick were you?"
They usually follow that up with, "Like, how skinny did you get?"

I don't answer that. I will not answer my lowest weight. I think it feeds in to my eating disorder.

However, I will answer how sick I was....

I threw up everything I ate. I drank water just to throw it up. I was addicted to the feeling of control I got when I stood in front of the toilet. The rush of endorphins was powerful and I was a slave to it.

I counted every calorie that went into my body. I weighed myself multiple times a day. The number on the scale determined myself worth.

I avoided friends and going out when I felt too fat. I stayed in my dorm room, trapped by self loathing.

I kept journals to record my intake, my obsessive thoughts, and calendars.
I loved calendars. Every day I wrote down my weight in one color. Goal weights were written in red. If I didn't meet the goal weight I had written for that day, there was hell to pay.

I couldn't walk into a room without measuring everyone. Who was skinnier than me? Who was the skinniest person in the room? The prettiest?

Just writing about this makes me cringe. My mind was so broken. I was obsessed. But it was much easier for me to obsess about calories and my weight, than it was to think of what was really hurting me. I wasn't ready to face the loss of my childhood due to being molested, or the multiple deaths that haunted me. I didn't want to think about how sad I was.... so I thought about how "fat" I was.

There was just a loop that went around in my brain, like a song stuck in my head, it shouted at me about food and appearance. But it was shouting above a voice that reminded me how hurt I was. I listened to the shouting.
When I got to treatment it took a long time to get the shouting down to a normal speaking voice. Then I had to concentrate on the little voice and heal all of those old wounds. It was exhausting. But now that shouting voice is merely a squeak that pops up once and a while.

So yes, I was very sick.
And now.... I am in recovery.

I am recovering

When I was in treatment at Puente De Vida I remember sitting in the milieu making myself a sign to put in the bathroom. After being at PDV for months and months, I felt like I would never get there. There being in recovery with my family, living a "normal" life. I felt that I would always be a PDV, working, struggling, and trying.
Anyway, so I started making my sign. It was to say-
I will recover.
Then one of the nurses came over. This was more than just a nurse, she was such an encourager and she even sat in therapies with us sometimes. She took a long look at my poster and said, "Why don't you write, 'I am recovering.'"

Now, that might feel like a small difference, but to me it was huge.
Recovery wasn't just some dream in the far off future.
It was something I was getting myself RIGHT NOW.

I wasn't just going to recover someday. I was already in the process of doing it!

That was a pivotal moment for me.

For all of you who are continuing to work on your recoveries... remember, it IS happening for you. Every day moment that you say no to your eating disorder, you are recovering.

Privacy

For those of you who are new the the blog- I did not really write 20 posts in one day. Those are all from a blog I had previously written. However, I recently got a teaching job and I decided I wanted this blog to be private.

I love sharing about recovery and what it means to me, but I also want to decide who to share the private details with, and what exactly I want to share.

So, same old me (for those of you who were previous followers) BUT new blog.

Recovery Boots

DSW (Designer Shoe Wearhouse) has a whole section of what they call "wide calf boots." Here's the link.
I actually found some that I really liked and for a good price so I ordered these:

I think it is a really important reminder to change the clothes you want to fit your body.....DON'T change your body to fit the clothes you want!

Bad body image is a serious probably that many people struggle with, not just people with eating disorders. I have found that when I'm having a bad body image day, sometimes the very best thing to do is thought-stop, then go out and do something fun.
Other times I try to fight it and I'll do my hair extra cute, or spend time painting my nails.
I have NEVER found that it is helpful to stare at my body when I'm having one of those days.

I have muscular legs legs. I accept this about myself. It certainly isn't my favorite thing, but I'm not going to let it prevent me from wearing awesome boots.
I'm also not going to let it prevent me from living a healthy, happy life.

Exercise

Exercise is healthy thing for our bodies. It can improve your mood, help you sleep, and boost energy.
However, when you have an eating disorder, exercise can be a dangerous addiction.
But what about when you're in recovery? Or recovering?

I've been home for three years and I'm embarrassed to admit that I've basically avoided working out.
In treatment we did a lot of work on our relationships with food. We had food challenges (like cookies or McDonald's). We had therapy and nutrition groups based around food.
However, we rarely talked about exercise.
It wasn't really a part of treatment. When your body is fighting to maintain breathing and regulating heartbeat and tempature, exercise isn't really an option.
Once we went to partial (rather than residential), we had an exercise group once a week. We did things like walk on the beach and stretches.
We didn't spend a lot of time talking about how to exercise in a healthy way. Obviously, the goal of exercise can never be to lose weight. But that is really all I know.

I have so many guidelines for my diet. I know what looks disordered, what looks healthy. I know that eating one meal a day isn't healthy. I know that eating twelve cookies isn't healthy. Those are both things I did in my disorder.

But what about exercise???

I would like to be a person who regularly exercises. It sounds so simple, but just like food- it can lead to a lot of complications and confusion.

I feel ready to open the door, but I want to prepare myself first.

In order to help myself later, here is a list of disordered habits to look out for:

1. Being a perfectionist (having to do it every day, or a for an exact amount of time)
2. Weighing myself
3. Never wanting to exercise with someone else
4. Keeping track of calories burned
5. Body checking


In conclusion, when I googled "exercise for people recovered from eating disorders" I found this:
"The goal of exercise is to improve physical fitness and stay healthy, and not to burn massive amounts of calories. It is important to see exercise as positive, fun and enjoyable. Group exercise programs, such as yoga and team sports, are recommended over solitary exercise programs, such as running or swimming. Exercise may also be used as a tool to reintroduce healthy eating habits in order to support strong bones and muscles."

The goal of exercise is to improve physical fitness and stay healthy, and not to burn massive amounts of calories. It is important to see exercise as positive, fun and enjoyable. Group exercise programs, such as yoga and team sports, are recommended over solitary exercise programs, such as running or swimming. Exercise may also be used as a tool to reintroduce healthy eating habits in order to support strong bones and muscles.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/487280-what-should-i-do-for-exercise-while-recovering-from-anorexia/#ixzz1hzx6dt5I

Tough times

When everything is going well and you have that general sense of well being... it can be a lot easier to be "in recovery."
But when the damn bursts and everything goes to hell and you're left feeling helpless, sad, angry, lonely, or scared.... those are the times when your disorder will shout out


"COME TO ME. I WILL SAVE YOU!"

My disorder offers to make all my problems go away. It offers to give me a peace and comfort that nothing else can bring. It can distract me from any pain or anxiety I feel. As long as I am in control of my eating and my body.... I am powerful.

The times that I am feeling all of those negative feelings, those are the times that I hear my disorder the loudest. And those are the times that it is so important to cling on to recovery, rather than let my eating disorder grab me again.

In treatment we talked about our recovery piggy bank. Every day that we didn't use our eating disorder was a new deposit in the bank.

I always liked the idea of placing a new shiny recovery coin in my piggy bank, and feeling as the bank got heavier and heavier. You can never take money out of the bank, it just grows and grows. And in the tough times, the times when a boyfriend breaks up with you, or your parents are going through a divorce, or you have a miscarriage... those days deserve more coins in the piggy bank.

Being in recovery is tough, but being in recovery when things are going poorly... that's a battle. But for everytime that you get through something without using your eating disorder, you are training your brain, and you're proving to yourself that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. 

It is important to recognize when these tough times are, and prepare yourself. Remind yourself that recovery is number one and that whatever difficult thing you're going through will only be made worse by using your eating disorder.

Above else, in the tough times remember 

Triggering People

When I got home from treatment I had a fresh start, whether I wanted it or not. I chose not to go back to the same place that I started college. I changed my phone number and I got to choose who to give it to.

I let go of a lot of friends when I decided I wanted recovery. It was sad but there were plenty of people who just fed my eating disorder. Not all of these people were "bad" people, but I knew that after talking to them- I felt self-distructive.

About a year after dating my boyfriend he approached me and asked me about one particular good friend who I talked to several times a month. Everytime I hung up the phone it ended with me in tears and feeling just awful... sometimes for days. She had an incredibly abusive childhood and she was dependent on drugs, alcohol, and her eating disorder.
She was one of those girls who I wanted to save. I would've given my right arm to give her recovery and a loving family. I actually probably still would, but it wasn't my right arm that was in jeopardy.... it was my recovery.
As hard as it was, I had to realize that our conversations weren't doing anything positive for either of us. I was incapable of saving her and talking to her was causing me to feel so much pain and guilt.
So I ended our conversations.

Now, that might sound cruel- and believe me, I wrestled with it for a while before knowing it was the right thing to do.
I know that a huge part of my disorder was survivor's guilt. Starting in adolescence I felt guilty for having such a wonderful life. I felt the need to punish myself to even the score. I still have a sensitivity to the struggles and pain of others, but I've learned to manage it so that I can still be a happy and healthy person, even if I'm a bit of a "bleeding heart."

This isn't true for everyone. For many people, their triggering people are friends that are obsessed with diets. You don't have to end those friendships, just tell the friend to shut up! :)

Sadly, for a lot of my recovering girl friends, their triggers are men. Some cannot stand to be around any men because their trust issues are so big... For these girls I would suggest spending time with a guy who IS trustworthy. Don't push away all guys. I had the most AMAZING guy in treatment who I went on "faux" dates with as therapy. It helped me learn how to trust guys, and how to eat in front of them! For him, I am sooo grateful.

Whoever and whatever your triggers are, I encourage you to be brave and decide to do whatever is best for your recovery.

Diets

This book is about a girl who goes on a diet and becomes the soccer star of the school.
It is aimed for children 4-8 according to Amazon. 

The book featured above makes me sick. What kindergartener needs to hear about a diet? And do they really need to hear that loosing weight will make them more popular, and make their dreams come true??

I want to teach children about healthy foods and moderation... but at the same time, in treatment I was told over and over again- all food is good food. Love your body. Give your body what it wants.. etc.

That is where this amazing book comes in handy called, "Intuitive Eating" and is written by Evelyn Tribole, and Elyse Resch. (Both authors are registered dieticians.) It's an amazing book and I think it is absolutely worth the $10 it costs from Amazon.

The book defines intuitive eaters as people who, "march to their inner hunger signals and eat whatever they choose without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma." These people leave the decisions of what to eat, how much of it to eat, and when to eat it up to personal choices with respect for individual autonomy and body signals.



First let me clarify something..
there are two meanings for the word diet.
One is "such a selection or a limitation on the amount a person eats for reducing weight"
The other is, "the foods eaten, as by a particular person or group."
I'm talking (and the book is talking) about the first kind of diet.

"Dieting is a form of short-term starvation. You can't fight biology. When the body is starving, it needs to be nourished."
Most of us who have eating disorders go through the cycle of starving, binging, and then purging. My body couldn't survive on the insufficient amount of calories I was eating so it craved carbs, fat, and protein even more. Then, because it was in starvation mode, it conserved any amount of food I would give it. That slowed my motabolism. I don't like to talk numbers but for this I will.
I fed my body 500 calories every day for a week. Then when I finally couldn't take it anymore, I would eat an immense amount of food... all the while hating myself.
My poor confused body! I was a growing teenager and it wanted 2,000 steady calories of veggies, meats, fruits, dairy, breads, and treats!
I've seen so many crazy diets advertised in magazines and endorsed by celebrities. Lets be honest with ourselves- those celebrities have people who are paid to keep them skinny, airbrushed, and perfect.
Diets don't work.

That is the first lesson the book taught me. As someone who made my diet so extreme it took me to death's door- I agree.

Triggers

I am a huge pinterest fan. I recently realized that there is a LOT of "thinspiration" and fitness tips on the website. It always made me feel sort of uncomfortable to see images of super-thin girls, or close ups of abs. Then I realized DUH, I can unfollow those!

This was just a great reminder that triggers are everywhere, but if you keep an eye out for them, you can avoid being triggered. So the first thing to do is find out what are your triggers? What are the things that make you feel bad about yourself, or encourage you to restrict, purge, or binge?

I know common triggers are:
images of thin people
images of extremely overweight people
shows/commercials about weight loss
stories about eating disorders
talk about calories or food
trying on clothes
comparing with others
scales

For people who are newly in recovery, or are just starting their road to recovery... I would highly suggest avoiding triggering things. Don't watch America's Next Top Model if you know you'll be comparing your body to the girls on the show. Don't buy US Weekly if you know that you'll scan the images for thinspirational pictures. Put duct tape on food labels if you can't stand not looking at the serving size or calorie amounts.

It is OKAY to ask for help. You can tell people, "This topic makes me uncomfortable." You can ask people to poor a drink in a glass rather than give you the bottle so that you don't see the label.

When I got home from treatment, all scales in my house were gone. I knew that it would be too tempting for me to step on and then obsess about what the numbers were.

People in your life WANT to help. Eating disoders can make loved ones feel so helpless... getting rid of triggers can be a great way to get people involved in your recovery.
So go make a list of your triggers and share them with those people in your life!!

Advice

I received an email from a young woman who says that she has a friend who she believes is struggling with an eating disorder. She asked for my advice.
I actually get this quite often. It is always an honor to be thought of and I hope that I can be helpful.
Here are my thoughts on the matter....

1. Talk to the person's family or other loved ones. An eating disorder is not an easy thing to fight, and others should be involved. The best things my friends did for me was to threaten that they would tell my parents about my eating disorder unless I did.
If this person is close with their family, I'd discuss it in an open and honest way. No one wants to hear that their loved one has a serious disease, but in my experience it is better to get everyone on the same page...

2. Do not make the mistake of thinking an eating disorder is about weight or food. Eating disorders are usually deeply rooted in some sort of traumatic experience or a need for control.

3. Express love and concern but try to not say things like, "You're so skinny," or, "You look sickly" because that can actually sound like compliments to someone with an eating disorder. Just saying things like, "I've noticed you seem down lately... are you okay? Can I help you? I'm here for you. Lets talk"

4. Get a doctor involved. Even if a person doesn't look sick, they can still have done serious damage to their body. When I went to an eating disorder specialist I found out that my heart had damange, I was protein deficient, had orthostatic hypotension, hypoglycemia, and damage to my digestive system. (ALL HEALED THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!) 


5. Get a therapist involved. I've never heard of anyone getting better without the help of a therapist.

6. Get a nutritionist involved... one with experience with eating disorders. 

My friends, bless them, were clueless of how to help me... however, just by letting me know that they loved me/were here for me/wanted me to get help... gave me strength.

It is important to remember that it can take a long time for someone to admit that they have a problem. It can be really frightening to have your secret discovered and see all your "perfection" in jepordy.

Again- expressing love is the most important thing.
Remember, you can't fix someone, you can only encourage them to get help!!

I am always happy to talk or answer questions, for a loved one, or the person with the eating disorder!

Activity

Here is an activity that I have always found helpful.
Imagine the people (of the same gender) that you love or admire most in your life.

Now would you love a single one of them more if they were skinnier? 

Would you ever take your best friend and deprive her of food? Make her throw up? Force her on a scale every day? Would you send her to the gym for hours? Would you treat her the way you treat your body?

In treatment sometimes I had to pretend that I was feeding a friend by eating. When I was feeling the desire to purge, I would imagine that by making myself throw up, I was actually forcing my best friend to do it. It was effective because I couldn't imagine putting someone through that. So why was I so willing to do it to myself? 

Treatment

I was in treatment for a year. I was blessed to be able to stay until I was absolutely ready to go home. I really credit my success in recovery to the fact that I was able to get so much support for such a long time.

Today means a lot to me. I am so proud of myself for staying in recovery. The success rates are pretty low for people with anorexia and bulimia. It breaks my heart to see so many friends from treatment not doing well. Recovery is really really hard work. It gets easier with time, but the truth is- I still make the choice to stay in recovery. It comes much more naturally than it used to... But there are still times when I have to actively decide to stay in recovery, like when I eat dessert on a day that I can't find boots that fit my legs. :)

When I stepped into my treatment center, Puente de Vida (bridge of life)... I thought I would be there for a month. I really thought that it wouldn't be hard to stop my behaviors. Stopping my behaviors was incredibly difficult, but it was stopping my thoughts that seemed impossible.

I stopped throwing up and restricting food long before I was able to retrain my brain to think healthy thoughts.

You can not have any eating disordered behaviors and still have an eating disorder. I was sick in my heart, body, and mind. My heart physically healed within months. My body physically healed within months. However, it took my mind a lot longer to give up my obsessive thoughts.

I was eating, but I was still mentally calculating the calories in everything. I wasn't throwing up, but I was still looking in the mirror and seeing an obese person looking back.

I strongly believe in DBT and CBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). They taught me to be mindful of my thoughts and keep my negative thoughts away.
My favorite technique is thought stopping which is, consciously thinking STOP and pushing disordered or negative thoughts away. I use this all the time.
When I think, "Oh man, this cake probably has enough calories to sustain me all day..." STOP.
"None of these boots fit me because my legs are so fat." STOP.
"That girl is so skinny and pretty." STOP.
"I'm so stressed out. I don't feel like eating." STOP.
"I hate what I see in the mirror." STOP.

I also like to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones.
This cake is delicious and one piece will not change me.
These boots are unrealistic. Lots of people have this problem.
Comparing is unhealthy and I'm gorgeous too!
I need to take a break and mindfully enjoy my food.
I love myself!

Treatment gave me skills that I will probably use for the rest of my life.
It also gave me some wonderful life long friends.
For all of you who I met on my journey to recovery- THANK YOU!!

Recovery NOW

I hear many people saying that they cannot go to treatment because of all of their commitments. 

Let me tell you something- there will NEVER be a good time to go to treatment. 

No one has a significant chunk of time with no prior obligations and plenty of money. 

If you wait for the "right" time to get help, you won't ever do it. 

When I began my journey I was a week away from finals at college. It was two weeks before Chrsistmas. However, that didn't matter. I was dying. I needed help. I left before the semester ended and ended up with a few incompletes (some of my professors were awesome, others were not). 

I literally left my entire life behind and went off to another state. 

For the first few months I was panicked about all that I was missing. I missed Christmas with my family. I missed parties. I missed my friends. I missed the beginning of the school year. I felt like I was trapped in a parallel universe while everyone else was in the real world. 

It didn't help that many of the girls I was in treatment had severe traumas. We spent our therapy sessions talking about rapist grandfathers and abusive husbands. Then my friends would call and they'd complain about getting a B on a paper they worked hard on.

It was really difficult to keep up my "normal" friendships while fighting for my life. 

One of my closest friends from high school and college got engaged while I was in treatment. I really struggled that week. I just cried and cried. Part of it was feeling heart broken that I wasn't there to celebrate, but a big part was just plain envy. I wanted to be "normal." I was tired of dealing with my bulimia and anorexia every day. I was tired of discussing coping mechanisms and meal plans. 

Thankfully, I did end up going home before she got married and I got to watch her walk down the aisle! I also got to go to her baby shower the next year! :) 

Anyway... my point is- GO TO TREATMENT NOW. 

Don't wait. There is no excuse.

I saw women in treatment who had small children, who had husbands, who were in the middle of college or high school. I saw women that were 50, and girls who were 13. It is never too early or too late to get help. 

I felt that I was missing so much but what I was doing was giving myself a wonderful gift. Yes, I did spend Christmas, my birthday, and everyother holiday in treatment. However, all the work that I did there let me truely enjoy every day of the year.