Triggering People

When I got home from treatment I had a fresh start, whether I wanted it or not. I chose not to go back to the same place that I started college. I changed my phone number and I got to choose who to give it to.

I let go of a lot of friends when I decided I wanted recovery. It was sad but there were plenty of people who just fed my eating disorder. Not all of these people were "bad" people, but I knew that after talking to them- I felt self-distructive.

About a year after dating my boyfriend he approached me and asked me about one particular good friend who I talked to several times a month. Everytime I hung up the phone it ended with me in tears and feeling just awful... sometimes for days. She had an incredibly abusive childhood and she was dependent on drugs, alcohol, and her eating disorder.
She was one of those girls who I wanted to save. I would've given my right arm to give her recovery and a loving family. I actually probably still would, but it wasn't my right arm that was in jeopardy.... it was my recovery.
As hard as it was, I had to realize that our conversations weren't doing anything positive for either of us. I was incapable of saving her and talking to her was causing me to feel so much pain and guilt.
So I ended our conversations.

Now, that might sound cruel- and believe me, I wrestled with it for a while before knowing it was the right thing to do.
I know that a huge part of my disorder was survivor's guilt. Starting in adolescence I felt guilty for having such a wonderful life. I felt the need to punish myself to even the score. I still have a sensitivity to the struggles and pain of others, but I've learned to manage it so that I can still be a happy and healthy person, even if I'm a bit of a "bleeding heart."

This isn't true for everyone. For many people, their triggering people are friends that are obsessed with diets. You don't have to end those friendships, just tell the friend to shut up! :)

Sadly, for a lot of my recovering girl friends, their triggers are men. Some cannot stand to be around any men because their trust issues are so big... For these girls I would suggest spending time with a guy who IS trustworthy. Don't push away all guys. I had the most AMAZING guy in treatment who I went on "faux" dates with as therapy. It helped me learn how to trust guys, and how to eat in front of them! For him, I am sooo grateful.

Whoever and whatever your triggers are, I encourage you to be brave and decide to do whatever is best for your recovery.